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Trust has been a huge issue my entire life. In my relationships I often fail to feel secure, to attain a level of intimacy in which I feel truly free to be myself and to be authentic in the things I express to others. Perhaps the metaphor of the circus is appropriate, for often I feel that I must present and showcase the things that will somehow make me worthy of affection and acceptance. Really the issue is about control and management, I want others to conform to my expectations, to act accordingly with how I see fit.

Somehow the way I view relationships, whether they be with God or other people, mirrors Israel’s tendency for idolatry as portrayed in the Hebrew scriptures. It is so easy to perform for idols, to placate them and present them with burnt offerings, and often this comes through in my life by the ways I attempt to offer things from myself that will somehow manipulate the way others treat me and look upon me. But the thing that you realize, however painfully and slowly, is that people do not make very good idols. They won’t bend to your will at all times, they will also fail you and not always give the way you would desire them to. God is even worse, because all though people will often act favorably if you give to them often regardless of your intentions, God does not play by the rules. I can’t give anything to him that is not already his, I can’t sacrifice what is not mine. So what the hell do you do with that? Even if I just present myself, and I am a created being, then I have nothing at all to offer. This is where I am most troubled and also hope to be the most at peace. I guess what it comes down to is that I must open myself in trust, to simply receive what God is willing to give.

This isn’t a very profound post, but sometimes the simple things can be the most moving. I just needed to share that with somebody. Peace…



Filed under Faith

6 responses to “Trust

  1. You are such a genius. I laughed when I got to the part that says, “This is not a very profound post,” because I was totally into it!

    “People do not make very good idols. They won’t bend to your will at all times, they will also fail you and not always give the way you would desire them to.” This was a favorite line, and the “God is worse” part. Anyways, nice post. Shukria. (Hindi for “thank you.”)

  2. Hey thanks for the kind words, but don’t embellish me too much with comments about being a genius. I think that when I take the GRE this summer everyone will realize how “ungeniuslike” I am!

  3. anglopressy

    I think one of the intersting things idols tend to do is distort our imginations from the god-given ability to create and understand the world around us into a tool for convincing ourseles that they aren’t dead things. So, it seems to me, whatever false god you worsip they will fail you and your broken imagination will work extra hard to paint over the failures so they show up as something other than idols.

    I’ll be posting something soo, I can’t have Matt being right, can I?

  4. Zephyrsbound

    I know it has been a while since you posted this. I am a little behind on my blog reading. Anyway, thank you for your honesty. It makes me feel less like a freak. I read a book not too long ago about Benedictine monasticism, and one of the themes throughout was to let your life be a revolving door, open in hospitality for people to come in and out without requirement. So opposite of my desire to control who comes in and who goes out. So opposite of my distrust.

  5. Kara

    Thanks for the comment. I’m happy that you don’t feel like a freak as much now! I think we all see things upside down, and that whenever we recognize this we are more apt to hearing the voice of God and letting him move us a little. At least that is my hope, and I think that the thing I have to keep doing is pinpoint my tendency to isolate and not trust others and God. I’m too good at it.

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