Waving the White Flag

I had this idea once. I thought that for anything that happened to me that was good, something bad would happen that would stop me from enjoying it so much. This is kind of like reverse karma I guess. Maybe I just felt guilty for enjoying life, or maybe I was just too scared of losing the things in my life that I thought gave me security and made me who I am. It started with family and friends, moved on to my art, then travelled to sports and especially to basketball, and then it moved into my love life. Many of these endeavors I failed at, or became too apprehensive to follow through on others, while others rejected me and moved on to bigger and better things. It seems like I enjoyed all of these things at one point, and then they were gone before I knew it.

I did this and do this with God as well. The times I have most enjoyed God were very great and times of healing and rest, but often I went on to “lesser pleasures” that I thought would continue my feeling of peace. C.S. Lewis said it was like a child playing in the mud and believing this to be the greatest thing, yet there were better pleasures to be enjoyed that the child had no idea about. Often this is my problem. I settle thinking that God is not going to continue my satisfaction in him. Often in the bleak moments in my spiritual life, I settle, still thinking that I can never attain those moments again, and therefore I should not even attempt to encounter God. Now I know that I can’t make attempts to encounter God myself, and that the relationship if often God pursuing me, but I think that trying to encounter God in prayer and other disciplines often puts you on the path towards grace (I ripped that from Richard Foster). In light of this, my objective is to just try and reject the whole process altogether. I try to lock God out of my life, and I decide that grace is not sufficient. But there is this need, this feeling of complete desperation at times that I cannot explain. I know what I really need, but I fear that God won’t pursue me. I feel that God wants others and not myself. Or I feel that there is something that others have that I do not possess.

But I have to believe that God won’t abandon me, that God wants to heal and transform me, not for my sake completely but for his. For his glory and for my enjoyment in his glory. Thomas Merton said that “Infinite sharing is the law of God’s inner life.” I love that idea, I love the idea that God wants to share his life with us. I want to share my life with him but I am scared, because ultimately I have always been scared of rejection. But I don’t need those things in my past and present the way I thought I did, no matter how good those things are inherantly, they can’t compare to God. I have lived with the rejection and failures of those things. They can’t give me the security and peace I desire. At least I hope and pray that this is the case. This void will not go away, and I do not feel filled. I need to be hungry and to stay hungry. I guess I still haven’t found what I’m looking for…



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4 responses to “Waving the White Flag

  1. You know, since I have become a part of Rivendell, at least 4 different people have described feelings of dullness and inadequacy. The common factor seems to be an insecurity, not able to see how God is already working in them.

    It breaks my heart that these people, including you, feel this way. Each of you have been such an example of God’s love. Maybe only an outsider/newcomer can see this, but let me assure you – even without knowing everything about everyone – you all have made God much more clear to me. I don’t have any answers to questions of void-filling, but I do see/hear God in you.

    *tendency to get cheesy*

  2. Well thanks for your kind words. I think I have always had these feelings throughout my journey. Yet deep down I know there is something, someone who is controlling all of this and is making things better. I think its more a matter of me recognizing what God is doing. Therefore, I am relying on the Holy Spirit more than ever.

  3. Good luck with the site Are you paying attention to my principal system Good joke 🙂 What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs Bunny.

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