Journal Entry 1: The Journey Begins

 

As I promised earlier, here is the beginning journal entry for my European trip. Parts of it I have left intact, exposing some inner thoughts and desires that I was experiencing at the time in the rawness of the moment. Other parts I have chosen to clean up a bit,  because the language was grammatically wrong or incoherent. Some things have been omitted, but at the same time I have added more insight and feeling into some moments to give more depth and clarity, for both the reader and myself. I hope for the few that read this that it will serve to at least get a closer look into my little universe while I was eagerly awaiting  to get to Europe. I will try to post a journal entry at least twice a week for the time being until I decide that it has been too much. Peace and enjoy…

 

           — Today  Charlie, Chad, and I got into the 4 runner and headed for St. Louis for an overnight stay with one of their friends. It took us about five hours to get there, but the drive didn’t feel long. Chad talked for awhile but eventually put his earbuds in and laid down in the backseat to listen to his music. Five hours in a car will help you get to know somebody, mostly because there is nothing to escape to. Sure there is music at times but that only lasts for so long, and I soon realize that even from good friends I often try and hide the most. So when Charlie starts asking me more and more questions I become increasingly engaged, partly because the questions are good, but mostly because a lot of this trip is about forcing myself out of what I feel is comfortable and easy. So even when I don’t feel like talking, I decide to respond and engage Charlie. “What do you think is the best feeling you have ever had as a man?” he asks. I probe my memories, and the best I can come up with is being told by a past girlfriend that she felt safe and secure in my arms. It was a defining moment for me, that someone could feel safe because I was around, and somehow it effected my masculinity as well. Charlie then adds, “So you would say that you’re best feeling as a man would be feeling more responsible?”.  “Yeah I think so, I finally felt that there was something that I was devoted to and responsible for.” Charlie smiles, “That’s good, I can see that. I would have to say that is the same for me too.” Its questions like these that Charlie continues to ask me, and to me they are some of the best questions that I’ve ever been asked, perhaps I feel that in many ways this trip is a defining moment for me, and I think that to pause and ask questions is the best thing you can do in these moments of anticipation and eagerness. For a long time we talk about women, our personal wounds, our biggest fears, and what in the world God might be up to in the midst of it all. We also talked about how we sometimes create our own image, and cling on to things that we think will define us and tell us who we are.

Its not all serious, though. There are several moments in which we ramble on about things we really don’t know, often things we could care less about, and mixed in there was a jam session in which I witness Charlie and Chad rock out to Van Halen and I laugh harder than I have in a long time. I’m not much of a fan myself, but I love seeing the guys let loose and rock out to “Hot for Teacher”. Its getting colder the farther north we go, and at one point we stop for gas and I walk outside and feel the cool breeze pass through me, its not just around me but in me as well. And it is a good feeling, and for a second I pause, and take it all in that I’m on a journey that I’ve wanted to be on for years. I’m surrounded by good friends, doing something that to some makes no sense, and yet for the first time in a long time the world makes a little more sense again to me…